I’ve had one of those bad mum weeks
I’m not a bad mum. I know I’m not. But I’ve had one of those weeks.
You know the kind where you feel like things are falling apart, like everything you’re doing is wrong, you’re not ‘perfect’ like all those Instagram mums and you’re gonna screw up your kid for the rest of his life and you’re just, well, a bad mum?
Why have I struggled this week? Other than being exhausted to the point an all-inclusive 10-week holiday in the Bahamas child free with a naked Chris Hemsworth waiting on me and foot with a cocktail in one hand and endless chocolate in the other still wouldn’t be enough to rest and recuperate, I have no idea what it is! I just feel like…. a bad mum.
- I’m a bad mum because sometimes I know Aiden has a dirty nappy but I’m too exhausted to get up off the sofa so I let him roam around wearing it for a little while until I muster up the energy to move
- I’m a bad mum because I snap at him. Then I see his little lost face welling up with tears and I feel the most painful guilt because I caused his little face to look that way
- I’m a bad mum because some days all I seem to do is moan him for waking up too early, not napping long enough, touching things he shouldn’t be touching, walking behind me making a mess while I’m trying to clean. Just non-stop moan at him.
- I’m a bad mum because some days it feels like all I do is shout
- I’m a bad mum because his favourite words are chocolate and fuck
- I’m a bad mum because some days I sit on my phone more than I spend time with him
- I’m a bad mum because I haven’t put any money in the savings account I set up when he was a few months old
- I’m a bad mum because sometimes I count down the minutes until the next nap time and get excited when I know its bedtime and he’ll be asleep for 12 hours
- I’m a bad mum because he’s 2 and I don’t take him to swimming lessons or any of the toddler clubs my friends go to
- I’m a bad mum because we haven’t done any of the crafty, sensory, messy play activities I pinned on my Pinterest
- I’m a bad mum because some days from the minute we get up to the minute we go to bed the TV is on with Nick Jnr and Cbeebies because it helps to keep him amused
- I’m a bad mum because most days the furthest we walk is to the shop and back, I don’t take him on the mile-long walks in the fresh air, on the nature trails or trips to the beach that I keep meaning to
- I’m a bad mum because sometimes I leave him crying longer than I should because I’m in the bathroom crying and can’t stop
- I’m a bad mum because sometimes I have thoughts (fleeting thoughts but thoughts none the less) about running away
- I’m a bad mum because there are people out there desperate to have kids and all I do is moan about mine
- Mostly, I’m a bad mum because just before I wrote this post Aiden was saying “mummy, mummy, mummy” trying to get my attention while I snapped “just give me 5 minutes to myself pleeeeeeease”! when all he wanted to do was show me the jigsaw he’s just done all by himself 🙁 🙁 🙁
This is a phase. I know it’s a phase, but I’m struggling right now and it’s making me feel like a bad mum, like I’m failing.
But guess what…. I’m NOT a bad mum. I’m a GREAT mum.
I know I am because almost every day someone will say “What a happy little boy….. he’s always smiling….. what a lovely little boy….. he’s a credit to you”. This makes my heart melt, my doubts fade and my tears disappear. The best thing anyone can ever say to me is that my little boy looks happy. That way, no matter how much I’m struggling in a moment, no matter how much I might feel like I’m failing, no matter how much i worry that moaning or shouting is going to scar him for life I know I’m not a bad mum. Aiden is proof. He’s healthy, happy, looked after and loved. Sometimes life kicks your ass. sometimes toddlers kick your ass.
Once this phase passes I’m going to go back to mummying like a boss, because it’s the hardest job in the world but I’m great at it!
So, for anyone else who might be feeling the same feelings of doing it all wrong, guilt, sadness, failure, exhaustion…. go to the bathroom, cry it out then take a deep breath and remind yourself that your baby is here, he’s happy and that’s all thanks to you and the amazing job you are doing.
Don’t let bad day get to you. Or even a bad week. They happen.
Don’t ever doubt yourself and your ability. Take a moment every day to look at your child, their smile, their happiness, the way they look at you with unconditional love no matter what kind of shit mood you’ve been in and remind yourself that it’s all because of you and the amazing job you’re doing 24/7. Because it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-doubt and believing all the thoughts going around your head. Feelings of failing can snowball so nip it in the bud and remind yourself you are working your ass off and some days hard, really hard but it’s worth it, every single minute, every single tear, every single day.
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